The Bounty Hunter With A Mouth
by Lord Maximus
Summary: A group of Jedi flee to the moon of Endor, hoping to escape the Empire that has called in their best assassin and best bounty hunter in the entire galaxy. And his name is Bob-(Hi, Deadpool here. Just to let you know Little BF called in sick so I'm filling in. We got jokes, fourth wall breaks, and hot steamy sex...Wait, I just found they don't have those on Star Wars. Crap!)


**The Bounty Hunter With A Mouth**

"Hurry! Move!"

The five Jedi, consisting of two human men, one woman along with a male Kel Dor and a young Twi-lek girl rushed through the woods, dodging blaster bolts from the Stormtroopers chasing them. The Imperials had tracked them to the forest moon of Endor and a Star Destroyer was already in orbit, ensuring that no one escaped from the surface.

"They moved to sector four. We're trying to cut them off." The Stormtrooper commanding the patrol group reported.

"Call for reinforcements and block any chance of escape."

* * *

"Doom-doom-doom-doom! Doom-doom-doo-Oh is this my scene?"

The person who had been seeing the weird song was a man dressed in a skin tight red suit with a red and black mask and white spots where the eyes were while attached to his back were two swords and two blaster pistols holstered to his hips.

The mask man looked at you, the reader. "I know, right? Me, here and hunting Jedi instead of that test-tube baby whose main doner was killed by Sam Jackson's hard ass character. But you know when the original owner of the franchise sells out to a soulless multi-billion dollar corporation you've got to expect these kinds of things. Point is I'm here and I'm ready to kill some wimpy warrior monks. All I need is the right signal."

" _We're about to lose them in the forest. Call for backup!_ "

"And that's my cue." The masked man said as he grabbed vine and jumped off the branch, letting out a scream like a certain man who swings through trees in a jungle. "Dead, dead, Dead of the Pool. As bad-ass as he can be. Watch out for my scream! Watch out for my SCREEEAAAAMMMMMM!"

He jumped through the air, spotting the running Jedi and let go of the vine, grabbing his pistols and aimed down.

"Dyyyynamic entry bitches!" Deadpool declared, raining down blaster fire on the Jedi, who immediately ignited their lightsabers and deflected the initial salvo as Deadpool flew over them and landed just ahead of them.

"Aw man, those laser swords just ruin all the fun in a gunfight I tells yah." Deadpool groaned.

He turned around and ducked as a green lightsaber nearly cut his head off.

"Whoa!" Deadpool jumped back, dodging the Jedi's attack. "Hey, I'd just like to say-"

SLASH!

"That I really respect you guys!"

SWING!

"I mean you guys really got the hard end of the stick! In the prequel and the sequel!"

SLASH!

"I mean those idiots even got rid of bad-ass Jedi like Rahm Kohta and replaced him with that winy later blinded idiot who likes pony tails!"

THRUST!

Deadpool dropped his blasters and pulled out his swords, blocking the lightsaber. "You may be wondering how I have swords that didn't get cut by your lightsaber. The answer…I'm Deadpool!" Deadpool said, sounding like a certain bat-themed character owned by DC.

Deadpool leapt up, kicking the Jedi in the face and in one quick spin decapitated the Jedi Master right in front of everyone.

"Get him!" The female Jedi shouted.

"WAIT!" Deadpool dropped his swords, holding his arms which stopped the Jedi in their tracks. "You may be wondering what kind of bounty hunted wears a complete red suit that's tight around the buttocks. Well it's so you can't see me bleed. You guys all understand, right? You wear brown robes!"

The female human Jedi charged at Deadpool, thrusting his lightsaber into the hunter's chest.

"Holy crap! Penetration on the first date! I thought it was the dude's job to do that." Deadpool said, shocking the Jedi who all thought he should be dead. "Aw well. I still think you're full on sweet."

Deadpool pulled out a knife and stabbed her through the chest, right into the heart. "Aw, we both did the penetrating!"

She fell over onto the ground as Deadpool picked up her lightsaber. "Now I have my own laser sword! Get ready universe to see the awesome!"

"Die!" The other male Jedi shouted as he attacked.

Deadpool held up the lightsaber and…threw it at the Jedi who blocked on impulse as Deadpool picked up his swords and swung them both, pushing the lightsaber aside and leaving the Jedi open to attack as Deadpool kicked him in the chest and slit his throat with one quick slash.

"I am so awesome I do not need a laser sword! I just like that we're sharing swords!" Deadpool declared.

The Kel Dor Jedi thrust out his hand, sending Deadpool into a tree, cracking his skull on impact.

"Go! I'll hold them off!" The Kel Dor said to the young Twi-lek who hesitated but nodded and took off into the woods.

"You know that's really sweet. I don't think I would have killed her. I like killing people my height. It saves me the trouble of looking up or down." Deadpool stood up, looking completely uninjured in the slightest.

"You cannot defeat me. You will fall here." The Kel Dor said, holding his lightsaber in both hands.

"Oh yeah. I'm going overrrrrrr!" Deadpool leaned to the side and picked up a blaster, shooting at the Kel Dor who deflected the bolts with his lightsaber, sending them back at Deadpool. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Bad Deadpool! Stop shooting yourself!"

The Kel Dor rushed to behead Deadpool but the mercenary leaned back, allowing the lightsaber to travel over his face. "Total Matrix!"

Deadpool somersaulted back, both feet kicking the Kel Dor's in the face so hard he was knocked off his feet and landed on his back. Deadpool aimed at him while still in the air and pulled the trigger…

And hit the Kel Dor between the eyes, killing him instantly.

Deadpool landed right on his feet and held up his smoking pistol, taking a sniff. "Aah….I know I said this before but I'm touching myself tonight."

Deadpool looked off in the direction the little Twi-lek girl had ran off.

"…Nah. I think I made my point. Now I get to meet the biggest masked bad ass in this franchise!" Deadpool rubbed his hands together. "You think I should wear a tie when I meet the Big V?"


End file.
